Reflections

Last night I’m sitting in a coffee shop with several friends from church. Actually we go there most Wednesday nights. One of the girls from the college group asks me the name of that book I was talking about a couple weeks ago. I remembered it was “The Irresistible Revolution: Living as an ordinary radicalâ€? By Shane someone… Clay… something.. claystone… or Clairborne… yeah I think Clairborne.. but I’m not sure.

So I went to my truck and grabbed the book. It just happened to be sitting on the passenger seat. When I brought it in and showed her, another person from the college group, who wasn’t at said previous meeting, said… “Oh I picked that up the other day and thought… this a Brian bookâ€?. So I told them a little more about the book and Shane’s story.

Oh yeah, it’s Claiborne btw. So I was close…

That sort of got me thinking about some stuff I have been thinking about lately. And got me thinking about what other people think of when they think of me. Make sense?

What is it about that book that makes it a Brian kind of book? What do people call me or say about me? I think I know. Well, at least I know what they say when I’m standing there. Who KNOWS what they say when I’m not around.

My boss at my day job calls me a troublemaker. He also thinks I’m some kind of bohemian who sits in the park playing his guitar barefoot everyday. (Ok so I do that on occasion at lunch, down by the river, during the cooler months.) But he doesn’t mean troublemaker in a BAD way. You see, I’m not very big on the status quo. I mean, there’s almost always a better more efficient way to do something, especially when you’re talking computers. I just don’t buy the line “Don’t fix it if it aint broke� or “That’s the way we’ve always done it.� you know? My thing is, let’s look at what we are doing, why we do it that way and then step back and look for a better way to do it. Maybe there isn’t one, but maybe there is. If you never step back and look, then you’ll never know.

That same thing seems to follow me into my other job as well. Well, more of a passion for ministry than a job, but you get the idea. You see, sometimes church, well, they like the status quo…

At my “homeâ€? church… they called me a rebel. My earring drove em nuts and they just couldn’t understand why I wanted to do some of the things I suggested we do. You don’t even want to know the rumors and gossip that spread like wild fire when they discovered my…. are you sitting down?? *whispering* “My tattooâ€? *gasp*

SIDE NOTE: I actually learned a good deal about spiritual authority there. I was a young Christian with a rebellious spirit anyway. So I eventually did stop wearing my earring. I mean, it became this huge stumbling block to ministry. So why would I allow my freedom to hinder someone else? So I just stopped wearing it

My current Senior Pastor has told me on several occasions that I challenge him. I’m not so sure that’s a good thing, but he assures me it is. For my birthday lunch, he typically does a little speech about everyone… Mine was… “And then there’s Brian… He’s our out of the box thinker.â€? I was told our Bishop described me as a revolutionary.

But you see, none of this is intentional. I mean, I’m just being me. I’m not trying to be different. I’m just doing the best I can do to listen to God and look for direction. I can’t help it if he dumps these visions in my mind that just don’t fit the mold of “what we’ve always done�.

From the day I became a Christian it seems I have run up against walls. God will give me this vision, and it seems stuff gets in the way: people, tradition, time…. me. There’s so much that has brought me to where I am. God called me to ministry some 9 years ago… my daughter got cancer putting things on hold for almost 5 years. I pastored a small church in small town Georgia and the tradition of religion stopped that. I became the college pastor where I am now. Which I love by the way. I belong to the best community of believers, the best pastoral staff, I truly love it. But even here, I run into walls of… that’s not how we do it here.

But that is being blown away. Walls are totally being knocked over, stepped over, pushed down… well, you get the idea.

OK… where was I going with this post? A couple things I guess. I really am trying to keep this from being one of those post so long you only read the first paragraph.

ONE: Being an “out of the boxâ€? thinker, trouble maker, revolutionary, bohemian… well… it can be a lonely place. You see, its just human nature to hang out with people who think like you think. People who agree with you and see things the way you see them. BUT, if you don’t think like everyone else that happens to be in your circle… well, then you just don’t make those tight relationships. Now, I’ve tried to wear the box. I’ve been asked to PLEASE try this box on. I’ve tried to find one that fit. They just don’t seem to make them my size here. So what do you do?

TWO: Even when you know you are exactly where God wants you to be. Even when you can look back on the past nine years and totally understand why God led you where he did and understand why you faced the difficulties and successes. Even though you know that you know… Even when you trust God fully with things, its still hard sometimes even though you know…

Questions and doubt still seem to slip in. Why have they been hired but I haven’t? How come I still can’t do that? or this? Or… OK God… I’ve been doing and waiting and preparing, even pushing and jumping out before you were ready (I learned that lesson a couple times) can we finish the waiting thing now??

So what do you do? Well I’m not sure what you do, but I pray. I try to make sure I am where God wants me to be. All I can do is what I believe God is telling me to do. I submit to those in authority above me. Trusting and knowing that God placed me under their leadership for a reason. Trust me, I am one of those people that honestly believe its better to do something and have it be wrong than do nothing at all. BUT if God says wait, well then I wait.

It just gets lonely sometimes sitting out here on the edge waiting.

This entry was posted on Thursday, June 22nd, 2006 at 2:09 pm and is filed under Church, Life. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.